Cultivating Understanding at Home

The key to cultivating understanding is to take your partner's feelings seriously; to find the logic in what he or she says and does, even if you disagree. If both people do this then the atmosphere is much more conducive to finding healthy solutions to conflict and misunderstandings.

Flourishing as a Couple

If couples remember this one principal their relationships will be infinitely better: Be more interested in understanding your partner, rather than winning.

Music and Flourishing, or You Are What You Listen To

Listen to this jazz tune by Wes Montgomery to test the yogic idea that we are deeply shaped by what we are connected to. Notice if your mood changes as you hear Wes' beautiful playing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqn3PF_DcSg&feature=related

Feeling Good and Feeling Badly

Feeling "good" doesn't mean that you are doing well (you might be repeating familiar, addictive patterns); and "feeling badly" doesn't mean you are doing poorly (you might be taking healthy risks and venturing into new and unfamiliar territory...

Yoga and Flourishing

One of the great insights of the yogic tradition is that we become what we are connected to. Listen to this and see if it improves your mood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GY7GZiltd9U

Flourishing Through Meditation, Yoga and Psychotherapy

I will be participating in a dialogue tonight on Flourishing Through Meditation, Yoga and Psychotherapy with Ethan Nichtern at The Independence Project: Approaches to Buddhism and Psychotherapy: Intimate Dialogs with East/West Practitioners - www.theidproject.org

Flourishing Through Meditation, Yoga and Psychotherapy

I will be participating in a dialogue with Ethan Nichtern on Flourishing Through Meditation, Yoga and Psychotherapy at The Independence Project on Monday November 7:
Approaches to Buddhism and Psychotherapy: Intimate Dialogs with East/West Practitioners - www.theidproject.org

Occupy Wall Street

A good piece by Frank Rich that puts Occupy Wall Street in a larger context and analyses our current political logjam: http://nymag.com/news/frank-rich/class-war-2011-10/

Two Ethical Fallacies

Those people who feel that the world is in a moral free-for-all (that profits no one but the obscenely rich) have to figure out how to respond. There are two ethical fallacies I've noticed: 1) "going local" -- assuming the world is fine because one's own situation is, and "going global" -- feeling guilty because one's own actions don't impact on larger, global problems. The alternative? Doing what one can no matter where one is in one's life.

Healthy Relationships

Here's a link to an interview on Healthy Relationships: http://livelighter.org/learning-about-healthy-relationships-from-dr-rubin/

Seeing with New Eyes

‎"The real voyage of discovery," writes Proust, "is not to travel to new lands, but to see with new eyes." Children can teach us this simple, but not easy task. So can awareness disciplines and wisdom traditions like meditation, yoga, and psychoanalysis. Seeing with new eyes is crucial to flourishing.

Is It Indulgent to Be Engaged in Self-Care?

Too many people -- mostly women, but some men -- feel it is "indulgent" to focus on themselves. While it can be, such an attitude often makes us believe that we are selfish if we are taking care of ourselves. In relationships, this can be the breeding ground of deprivation and resentment toward our partner.

Yoga and Women and changing Oneself and the World

There's a good article in the San Francisco Chronicle about yoga, women, and changing oneself and the world: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=%2Fc%2Fa%2F2011%2F10%2F03%2FDDQ91L7NMG.DTL

'Yogawoman' film about how yoga can change world
www.sfgate.com
The message of the new documentary "Yogawoman" is clear: Yoga isn't just about getting toned, centered and flexible. It's about changing lives - and the world. The ancient practice of yoga has been on the rise globally...

Don't Believe Everything You Tell Yourself

The danger in always believing what you tell yourself about who you "really are" is that you can become imprisoned by old, negative experiences and limiting beliefs. I am teaching myself -- and loving -- Latin and Pali, the language of original Buddhism. Until now I was certain I was one of those people who couldn't master a foreign language. A world was closed off to me because of my own false beliefs.

Exercise and Creativity

Interesting article on exercise, creativity and the reduction of anxiety and depression:

The Creative Brain On Exercise | Fast Company
www.fastcompany.com
For more than thirty years, Haruki Murakami has dazzled the world with his beautifully crafted words, most often in the form of novels and short stories. But his book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (2008) opens a rare window into his life and process, revealing an obsession with running...

Flourishing and Planet Stewardship

I was watching one of my two aging cats walking gingerly nearby and I had the thought that the world would be an infinitely better place if citizens and leaders alike realized – and took responsibility for – the role we have been assigned: planet stewards whose job it is to take care of the life we have been given.

Passion and Flourishing

When we take the risk and pursue something that intrigues us or we are passionate about our lives feel more alive. See if you can start writing or learning a new language or walking or meditating or cooking or whatever it is that you once loved or hope to explore now. And let us know what happens when you do.

Couples Flourishing

It is crucial for couples to create their own balance between devotion to the relationship and taking care of themselves. Otherwise, the relationship becomes a breeding ground for deprivation and resentment.

Building In What Helps Us Flourish

As we start a new day in our lives this fall morning ask ourselves: What do I need to flourish -- friendship, more compassion toward myself and other people, an appreciation of the beauty in the world and so forth -- and can we build that into our lives rather than fit it in? Experiment with that and let me know what happens...

Talk and Book Signing at New York Insight

Hope to see some of you at a talk and book signing on The Art of Flourishing tonight at New York Insight at 7 PM http://nyimc.org/index.php/site/event/book_signing_and_evening_talk/ Say hello if you come.

Book Signing for The Art of Flourishing

I will doing a Book Signing and Evening Talk:
The Art of Flourishing:
Insights from Buddhism and Psychoanalysis at New York Insight on Friday Sept. 16th from 7-9 PM: http://nyimc.org/index.php/site/event/book_signing_and_evening_talk/

Interview on The Art of Flourishing with Ajayan Borys on Mind Matters Radio

Here's a link to a recent interview on The Art of Flourishing with Ajayan Borys on Mind Matters radio: http://www.ajayan.com/8-01-11-mind-matters-with-dr-jeffrey-rubin/.

Interview on the Art of Flourishing with Christine Christensen on Vibrantly Intuitive Living

Here's a link to an interview on The Art of Flourishing with Christine Christensen on Vibrantly Intuitive Living: http://www.vibrantlyintuitiveliving.com/?p=1152#

Vibrantly Intuitive Living - Interview with Dr. Jeffrey Rubin, The Art of Flourishing »
www.vibrantlyintuitiveliving.com

Review of The Art of Flourishing on livelighter.org

Here's a new review of The Art of Flourishing: http://livelighter.org/the-art-of-flourishing-book-review.

Interview on Reducing Back-to-School Anxiety Naturally in National Education Association

Here's a link to an interview on reducing back-to-school anxiety naturally for the National Education Association with Amy Paturel: http://www.neamb.com/home/1215​_5468.htm

When It's (Not Really) Over

Here is a link to an article on Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-rubin-phd/when-its-not-really-over_b_907207.html

Eric Hoffer

Yesterday HeadButler.com linked to a fascinating interview with Eric Hoffer on Youtube that should be required listening for everyone. Hoffer comes across as a genuine, honest, passionate human being, in love with life: http://headbutler.com/books/ps​ychology/true-believer-thought​s-nature-mass-movements

Fanaticism

What we witnessed in Norway was fanaticism, which has two elements: the fanatic thinks he possesses the truth and nothing anyone else says or does can ever dissuade or change him. Fanaticism affords certainty, and certainty can be deeply reassuring in a complex and uncertain time in history. It can make what Eric Hoffer called the "true believer" feel safer and less vulnerable.

The Challenge in Horrific Events

The killing spree in Norway boggles the mind and saddens and angers us. The challenge in horrific events is understanding what the destructive action was an attempted solution to. This is an unPC way of thinking about such events. But it may provide our only hope of identifying the conditions that result in such actions which increases our chances of preventing the carnage unleashed on innocent people.

Yoga and Flourishing

Yoga teacher Diane Cesa reviewed The Art of Flourishing on her blog:
http://www.itsallaboutyoga.com​/2011/07/summer-reading.html

Interview on The Art of Flourishing on World Talk Radio

Here's a link to my interview on the Self Improvement Show on World Talk Radio on the Art of Flourishing with Dr. Irene Conlan: http://www.worldtalkradio.com/​worldtalkradio/vepisode.aspx?a​id=54842
http://www.worldtalkradio.com/​worldtalkradio/vepisode.aspx?a​id=54842
www.worldtalkradio.com

Dr. Irene Conlan's review of The Art of Flourishing

Here's Dr. Irene Conlan's review of The Art of Flourishing: http://theselfimprovementblog.​com/self-improvement/self-impr​ovement-tips/the-art-of-flouri​shing-a-review/.

An Expert Shares Her Personal Struggles

Here's a link to an interesting article in the NY Times on a therapist's personal struggles with mental illness. What moved me was her sharing of her own vulnerability and her being authentic with her clients.http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?hp

Review of The Art of Flourishing on www.truerefuge.com

Zachary Taylor, a therapist and meditator, just posted a review of The Art of Flourishing on his blog: TrueRefuge.com posted their review at: http://www.truerefuge.com/2011/06/new-book-the-art-of-flourishing/.

Divorce and Flourishing

Here's a link to an insightful article on handling divorce by Mark Schwartz in HuffPost Divorce: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-schwartz/partying-is-such-sweet-so_b_875554.html
Socratic vs. Accepted Wisdom and Divorce
www.huffingtonpost.com

Men and the Mind-Body Connection

Here is a link to a piece that appeared on men and mind-body harmony that appeared on Huffington Post this morning: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-rubin-phd/mind-body-connection_b_878851.html

Talk and book signing at Tibet House

I am doing a talk and book signing at Tibet House tonight at 7 PM: http://tibethouse.us/programs/full-calendar/view/581294/114

Winning in a Relationship is a Losing Strategy

Here is a link to a piece in Huffington Post on the number one obstacle to intimacy: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-rubin-phd/winning-in-a-relationship_b_874470.html

Talk and Book Signing at Tibet House

I am doing a talk and book signing at Tibet House this Thursday at 7 PM: http://tibethouse.us/programs/full-calendar/view/581294/114

How Anthony Weiner Might Save His Marriage

Here's a blog on how "Anthony Weiner Might Save His Marriage" on my Psychology Today blog: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-flourishing/201106/how-anthony-weiner-might-save-his-marriage

Talk and book signing -- Ethical Culture Society of Essex County, NJ

I will be giving a talk and doing a book signing on The Art of Flourishing tomorrow (Sunday) at the Ethical Culture Society of Essex County, NJ.(essexethical.org) at 11 AM. They are located at 516 Prospect Street, Maplewood, NJ 07040.

Behavioral Buddhism

Here's a piece on Behavioral Buddhism that appeared this morning on AOL Healthy Living: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-rubin-phd/become-a-behavioral-buddh_b_874550.html

Interview on The Art of Flourishing in today's Huffigton Post

Here's an interview on The Art of Flourishing in today's Huffington Post:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jesse-kornbluth/take-buddhism-add-freud-a_b_873008.html

Announcement about The Art of Flourishing

The Art of Flourishing is out today. It provides the reader with the tools necessary to thrive, to live a life of meaning, passion, and fulfillment. I will be doing a talk and book signing at JCC of NY on June 13th and Tibet House on June 16th. The Art of Flourishing is available in bookstores, online at Amazon , Random House, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, or Borders and as an e-book.

Zen and The Art of Flourishing

Thank you Andre for posting a feature on THE ART OF FLOURISHING at:
http://zenandbackagain.blogspot.com/2011/06/art-of-flourishing.html

Zen and Back Again: The Art of Flourishing
zenandbackagain.blogspot.com
The journey of an American Zen Buddhist, including book reviews, reflections on practice, and practical ways to apply the Dharma in our lives.

Yoga and Flourishing

-FitYogis.com posted an excerpt of The Art of Flourishing at:
http://fityogis.com/kids-yoga/the-art-of-flourishing
Fit Yogis | Yoga for Kids | The Art of Flourishing
fityogis.com
Fit Yogis | Yoga for Kids | We would like to share with you a short excerpt of the upcoming book by Dr. Jeffrey B. Rubin called THE ART OF FLOURISHING: A New East-West Approach to

Measuring our Ourselves

Human beings spend a great deal of time measuring how they doing and comparing themselves with other people and their own images of how they should be doing. I think we often do this because we have the fantasy that we are not okay and we are trying to justify our existence. A better use of our time would be to live our lives based on what inspires us.

Healing Self-Contempt

Many adults feel self-contempt. And then seek—and are convinced they found—confirmation of their badness. One way of addressing this is to explore experiences that disconfirm one’s sense of worthlessness. But a person who is convinced he or she is weak and cowardly may have had experiences of strength and courage. Have you had experiences that challenge your worst stories about yourself?

Widening the Story of Who We Are

Traumatized people often feel worthless and relentlessly seek -- and believe that they are constantly finding -- confirmation of their badness. Sometimes it is helpful to explore whether they have had any experiences that challenge their stories about their inadequacies. The person who is convinced they are weak and inadequate, for example, may have had experiences of strength and courage.

Flourishing During and After Vacations

Here is a link to an interview about handling the stress of (and after) vacations that went live today on self.com - http://www.self.com/health/blogs/healthyself/2011/05/why-does-my-long-weekend-high.html

Buddhism, Psychotherapy and Compassion

Tonight's dialogue on Buddhism, psychotherapy and compassion at Tibet House with Sharon Salzberg, Joe Loizzo and myself was wonderful to participate in. The presenters seemed to meld seamlessly and cross-pollinate, and the audience was engaged and stimulated. It was a joy to be a part of this benefit and I look forward to more such meetings.

Presentation at Tibet House on buddhism, Psychotherapy and Compassion

Tomorrow evening I will be participating in a dialogue with Sharon Salzburg and Joe Loizzo at Tibet House. "The Confluence of Buddhism and Psychotherapy: Transplanting the Art of Compassion" is a benefit for the Nalanda Foundation. Each of us will have approximately five minutes to discuss six questions related to compassion, Buddhism and psychotherapy. We are hoping for a fertile dialogue with the audience.

The Value of Getting Lost

‎"Getting lost can help you find your way," I said to someone today. While no one likes being disoriented, new possibilities in our lives sometimes open up when the path we planned to take did not work out. When we can remember this we can respond more positively to challenges in our lives.

Yoga in the West

In the West we have only began to fathom the depths of yoga and how it might enrich our lives. While much yoga in the United States focuses on physical postures (asanas), yoga is a truly holistic system of healing, self-understanding, and transformation that addresses mind, body, and beyond.

Yoga and Flourishing

I've been participating all weekend in an excellent yoga workshop at Yoga Sutra in New York City on the yoga philosophy and practice of Krishnamacharya, given by his grandson, the esteemed teacher Kausthub Desikachar. The heart of Krishnamacharya's approach is that yoga must be individualized because everyone is unique. Sounds obvious and simple, but it is profound and rare.

Cultivating Empathy for Your Partner

A key asset in trying to build deep and fulfilling relationships is striving to understand your partner, rather than trying to win. One way that a couple can practice this is to reverse perspectives when confronting a conflict in the relationship. This can expand one's empathy and reveal the value in your partner's perspective.

Flourishing When Times at Challenging

One of the scariest moments in a relationship is when one or both people thinks "it's over." When a relationship is at such a crossroads many people make several fatal mistakes: they attack each other and blame the other person, they give up and flee, or they desperately attempt to regain the old spark, which is exactly what was fatal to the relationship.

The TRUE SELF

Many people seek their True Self from the past, which they imagine offers a "blueprint" for how to live in the present. While I think we have versions of ourselves that feel more alive and authentic, I don't believe there is a vision of us from the past that provides unerring guidance for how to live in the present. What do you think?

Flourishing in Action

Just read an inspiring article in the NY Times about Ben Cohen and Hudson Taylor, two "high-profile heterosexual athletes dedicating their lives to the issues of bullying and homophobia in sports." I resonated with the piece for several reasons: they were both following their principles, fighting discrimination, and stretching themselves in new directions. They were flourishing.(http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/14/sports/two-straight-athletes-combat-homophobia.html)

Flourishing at Home

When each partner in a relationship tries to understand the other person rather than win, each person's feeling are taken more seriously and stubborn patterns can often be resolved. Striving to understand doesn't mean you agree with your partner or let go of what you value, only that you take your partner's feelings seriously.

The Hidden Cost of Will-Power

When will-power is the chief tool you use to change there is a hidden cost that the self-help gurus never tell you about -- when the strategy fails, which it does for everyone, you actually feel worse because you imagine that it worked for everyone else. Now you have a new problem and its called shame.

The Gift of Giving

"I'm sorry that I drained you," my friend says, after he had spent time discussing something that was troubling him. Most people don't realize that when they give us an opportunity to give to them, it is a gift to us and is energizing, rather than depleting.

Right Impulse/Wrong Solution

One of the biggest traps people fall into is what I call "right impulse/wrong solution." A husband continually avoids listening to his wife talk about what is bothering her. So she waits until they are in bed, when she has a captive audience, and brings it up. It's a constructive attempt to communicate, but bad timing.

Yoga, Will and Surrender

Yoga is a dance between will and surrender. You decide to do a posture (asana) and strive to go deeper in it (will); you tune into feedback from your body and breath and relax and maybe even pull back a little (surrender). Doing yoga mindfully can balance these two sides of being a person.

The Limitations of Will-Power

Exercising will-power often means we are forcing ourselves to do what we don't really want to do -- but think we SHOULD do -- or are doing an end run around where we are stuck. When we deepen our understanding of where we are stuck the need for will-power often disappears.

Don't Always Trust How You Feel

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from my first meditation teacher: "Good is not good and bad is not bad." What I took this to mean was that if I felt good it didn't mean I was doing well and if I felt badly it didn't mean I was on the wrong path. You could feel good, but be oblivious to the pain you are causing other people; or feel badly yet be challenging entrenched patterns and habits.

The Fallacy of Will Power

The concepts of will and will-power play a powerful role in the way people think about change. I think both are overvalued in our culture. Will power is often used by people when they are trying to force themselves past hidden obstacles from their past that are keeping them enslaved. When these barriers are seen and understood will-power is often no longer necessary.

Pain and Flourishing

I hurt my leg playing basketball on Tuesday and was in enormous pain. I had to walk very slowly and meditatively. Having to stop and rest on the steps to my home, helped me notice more vividly the beauty of spring.

Flourishing in Challenging Times

How do you flourish when times are tough? You play the difficult hand as well as you can. You face what challenges you wholeheartedly; you muster as much patience and compassion as is possible; you learn what the experience has to teach you; you give as much as you can to other people; and you don't lose sight of the beauty in the world and within.

Elements of Flourishing

Feeling good and doing well, loving deeply and living ethically, these are all elements of flourishing.

Psychology, Meditation and Yoga and Flourishing

Psychology, meditation and yoga each contribute to flourishing. Pursued by themselves they are each valuable, but incomplete, neglecting certain vital aspects of what it means to be a person. But when they are carefully integrated, they are richer then when they are studied alone.

Flourishing and A Life of Meaning

One of the key ingredients in flourishing is creating a life of meaning. And that is a highly personal matter, which involves both nurturing ourselves and being devoted to something more than just our own fulfillment.

Two Obstacles to Flourishing

Two obstacles to flourishing: following someone else’s blueprint for how to live or not feeling entitled to a life that is ours alone.

Flourishing and Marital Conflict

Here is a radio interview with me on Fair Fighting

http://webtalkradio.net/category/podcasts/communication360-with-philip-and-lisa-mulford/feed/

WebTalkRadio.net » Communication360 with Philip and Lisa Mulford

webtalkradio.net

In response to yesterday's post about the ethical gap between our actual behavior and our cherished ideals, Maksim Grinman sent me a link to a recent study suggesting that under the pressure of real life embodying our values is often more difficult than we realize ( http://www.wired.com/wiredsciece/2011/04/shocking-experiment-money/

Why do you think that is?

Ethics and The Art of Flourishing

“They pray during the weekends and sin during the week,” my best friend used to say when we were teenagers, describing some of the adults in our community. Since then I have been interested in the “ethical gap” – the distance between our moral ideals and actual behavior. Lessening that gap and embodying our most cherished values is crucial to the art of flourishing. 


The feedback of close friends, self-reflection, meditation, psychotherapy, studying our dreams, reading inspirational spiritual and religious texts, and participating in communities of moral accountability are some of the ways we can do this. 


What has helped you lessen your own ethical gaps?

Flourishing Is More Than Happiness

Flourishing is more than happiness. Happiness is state of feeling good. But you can flourish and not feel good -- like when you are lovingly taking care of someone close to you who is sick -- and you can feel good and not be thriving; think of a deadbeat Dad who is pleased he beat the system. Flourishing is thriving and doing well -- which sometimes takes the form of playing a difficult hand well. Happiness is a byproduct of a life well-lived.

What stops intimacy

The number one obstacle to healthy intimacy? Money? Sexuality? In-laws?
Nope. It’s trying to "win;” striving to defeat your spouse when you disagree. Which makes him/her an opponent instead of a partner and the relationship -- despite your commitment -- an adversarial battle. The alternative to winning is really hearing where your partner is coming from and trying to understand them. What do you think?