Flourishing During and After Vacations

Here is a link to an interview about handling the stress of (and after) vacations that went live today on self.com - http://www.self.com/health/blogs/healthyself/2011/05/why-does-my-long-weekend-high.html

Buddhism, Psychotherapy and Compassion

Tonight's dialogue on Buddhism, psychotherapy and compassion at Tibet House with Sharon Salzberg, Joe Loizzo and myself was wonderful to participate in. The presenters seemed to meld seamlessly and cross-pollinate, and the audience was engaged and stimulated. It was a joy to be a part of this benefit and I look forward to more such meetings.

Presentation at Tibet House on buddhism, Psychotherapy and Compassion

Tomorrow evening I will be participating in a dialogue with Sharon Salzburg and Joe Loizzo at Tibet House. "The Confluence of Buddhism and Psychotherapy: Transplanting the Art of Compassion" is a benefit for the Nalanda Foundation. Each of us will have approximately five minutes to discuss six questions related to compassion, Buddhism and psychotherapy. We are hoping for a fertile dialogue with the audience.

The Value of Getting Lost

‎"Getting lost can help you find your way," I said to someone today. While no one likes being disoriented, new possibilities in our lives sometimes open up when the path we planned to take did not work out. When we can remember this we can respond more positively to challenges in our lives.

Yoga in the West

In the West we have only began to fathom the depths of yoga and how it might enrich our lives. While much yoga in the United States focuses on physical postures (asanas), yoga is a truly holistic system of healing, self-understanding, and transformation that addresses mind, body, and beyond.

Yoga and Flourishing

I've been participating all weekend in an excellent yoga workshop at Yoga Sutra in New York City on the yoga philosophy and practice of Krishnamacharya, given by his grandson, the esteemed teacher Kausthub Desikachar. The heart of Krishnamacharya's approach is that yoga must be individualized because everyone is unique. Sounds obvious and simple, but it is profound and rare.

Cultivating Empathy for Your Partner

A key asset in trying to build deep and fulfilling relationships is striving to understand your partner, rather than trying to win. One way that a couple can practice this is to reverse perspectives when confronting a conflict in the relationship. This can expand one's empathy and reveal the value in your partner's perspective.

Flourishing When Times at Challenging

One of the scariest moments in a relationship is when one or both people thinks "it's over." When a relationship is at such a crossroads many people make several fatal mistakes: they attack each other and blame the other person, they give up and flee, or they desperately attempt to regain the old spark, which is exactly what was fatal to the relationship.

The TRUE SELF

Many people seek their True Self from the past, which they imagine offers a "blueprint" for how to live in the present. While I think we have versions of ourselves that feel more alive and authentic, I don't believe there is a vision of us from the past that provides unerring guidance for how to live in the present. What do you think?

Flourishing in Action

Just read an inspiring article in the NY Times about Ben Cohen and Hudson Taylor, two "high-profile heterosexual athletes dedicating their lives to the issues of bullying and homophobia in sports." I resonated with the piece for several reasons: they were both following their principles, fighting discrimination, and stretching themselves in new directions. They were flourishing.(http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/14/sports/two-straight-athletes-combat-homophobia.html)

Flourishing at Home

When each partner in a relationship tries to understand the other person rather than win, each person's feeling are taken more seriously and stubborn patterns can often be resolved. Striving to understand doesn't mean you agree with your partner or let go of what you value, only that you take your partner's feelings seriously.

The Hidden Cost of Will-Power

When will-power is the chief tool you use to change there is a hidden cost that the self-help gurus never tell you about -- when the strategy fails, which it does for everyone, you actually feel worse because you imagine that it worked for everyone else. Now you have a new problem and its called shame.

The Gift of Giving

"I'm sorry that I drained you," my friend says, after he had spent time discussing something that was troubling him. Most people don't realize that when they give us an opportunity to give to them, it is a gift to us and is energizing, rather than depleting.

Right Impulse/Wrong Solution

One of the biggest traps people fall into is what I call "right impulse/wrong solution." A husband continually avoids listening to his wife talk about what is bothering her. So she waits until they are in bed, when she has a captive audience, and brings it up. It's a constructive attempt to communicate, but bad timing.

Yoga, Will and Surrender

Yoga is a dance between will and surrender. You decide to do a posture (asana) and strive to go deeper in it (will); you tune into feedback from your body and breath and relax and maybe even pull back a little (surrender). Doing yoga mindfully can balance these two sides of being a person.

The Limitations of Will-Power

Exercising will-power often means we are forcing ourselves to do what we don't really want to do -- but think we SHOULD do -- or are doing an end run around where we are stuck. When we deepen our understanding of where we are stuck the need for will-power often disappears.

Don't Always Trust How You Feel

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from my first meditation teacher: "Good is not good and bad is not bad." What I took this to mean was that if I felt good it didn't mean I was doing well and if I felt badly it didn't mean I was on the wrong path. You could feel good, but be oblivious to the pain you are causing other people; or feel badly yet be challenging entrenched patterns and habits.

The Fallacy of Will Power

The concepts of will and will-power play a powerful role in the way people think about change. I think both are overvalued in our culture. Will power is often used by people when they are trying to force themselves past hidden obstacles from their past that are keeping them enslaved. When these barriers are seen and understood will-power is often no longer necessary.

Pain and Flourishing

I hurt my leg playing basketball on Tuesday and was in enormous pain. I had to walk very slowly and meditatively. Having to stop and rest on the steps to my home, helped me notice more vividly the beauty of spring.